I remember being in my second trimester at one of those pottery painting places, just my sister and I. We had picked out a unicorn bank , laid out all of our color choices and all our tools, we decided we were making it for Olivia and my heart was so full. I had dreamed about the day when I was making crafts with and for my kids and with Libby’s little kicks in my belly, it was exactly how I pictured my life going. We assigned areas of the unicorn so we could paint together at the same time without being in each others way. My first area was the hooves, seems easy enough, big wide space, all one color, how difficult could it be? I dipped my brush in the paint and the second I put it to the unicorn I felt my mind begin to turn. “This isn’t coming out the way I wanted” “Why does Nikki’s area look better than mine” “how am I supposed to give this to my daughter when half of it is turning out like garbage?” I became my own worst enemy, again.
Being a perfectionist is something I have dealt with my entire life. It’s something that has stopped almost every creative outlet I’ve ever started. It rears its ugly head in daily aspects you wouldn’t think it would effect, like almost calling off my daughters first birthday because I was behind schedule and the food table wasn’t turning out as planned. Sadly even how I wouldn’t buy a car because the interior wouldn’t match the current car seat or if my house is a mess I can’t function, I literally break down and lash out. I know some of you are just thinking then stop,and honestly, I wish I could. I wish I could have thought, that day back in my pregnancy, that this unicorn was for my daughter and she would love it no matter how imperfect it was turning out, her aunt and mother made it with so much love. But I couldn’t, all that crowded my brain was how far from the picture in my head it was turning out to be.So I gave up. Thankfully, I had my sister and that unicorn is now sitting happily in her bedroom.
I had high hopes with this blog, and not only the blog but my instagram and my etsy shop,that has been put on hold for this reason. I’ve started to feel the same feelings I’ve felt thousands of times before and its gotten to the point where some days I won’t open instagram or any social media because I dread looking at my work thats not up to par, it’s not what I want it to be. I do fill my head with positive thoughts, I’ve told myself, I can only get better if I keep going, that I can only grow from this if I don’t stop. But no matter how positive I try and stay, I find myself not wanting to post or deleting what I had scheduled for that day. The mind is such a powerful tool and I have no idea how to stop mine.
I had poured so many hours, for months, into this venture. I had spent all my free time trying to make this blog, my etsy shop, my bows and my instagram exactly what I wanted before I even launched. I had tried so hard to perfect everything before my perfectionist ways decide to bud in. Unfortunately, I was unsuccessful as I’m packing up my sewing machine today, with such a heavy heart.
I wish that this hadn’t come to effect my instagram or my blog because I truly love sharing. I’ve loved being able to connect with other moms all over the country, who I wouldn’t have other wise had the opportunity to connect with. I think at this point I’ve decided to put my etsy shop on hold for a while. It’s a decision I’ve battled with for months but I think at this point in time it’s the right one for now. How will this all effect the blog/instagram, I’m not sure. I want to continue sharing, and I will, but I’m not sure how often. I’d like to get a schedule mapped out in the near future and begin to post on both platforms regularly but ,as of today, I want to focus on the quality of my posts. So please excuse me if my picture editing looks a little different or my posts are a little random, but I’m just trying to find my unique spot in this mom blog world.